just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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