Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
