I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
