I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
