There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
