So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
