so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
