i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
