i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
