Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
