this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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