my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Randomize
