I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
