wanna go halves on a baby?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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