I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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