if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
