Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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