Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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