I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
