Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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