Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
