he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
sarcasm needs its own font
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
