Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So much Jack, so little girl.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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