I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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