it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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