I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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