I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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