I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
