Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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