I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
