It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
