my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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