I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
