i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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