No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just had sex on a roof
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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