She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
