This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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