I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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