It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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