In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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