Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
