I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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