I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
