I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
