whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
