Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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