Well douche your snatch and let's go!
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
