How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
