woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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