I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
