Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
