Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
