Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
4 words: hood of his car
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
